Sorry Pile of Hearts
by Rainpath
Summary: Nolan and Irisa didn't immediately start calling themselves father and daughter. Non-chronological one-shots about how they became a family.
1. Marketplace

**Title is from the song "Get Well" by Icon for Hire, off their 2011 album _Scripted_. I own neither the song nor _Defiance._**

_We should have known it would end this way_

_What did you expect, pretend it all away_

_All we've got left is a sorry pile of hearts_

_I'm getting out, gonna write myself a new start_

_C'mon, dry your eyes, meet me on the other side_

_Run as fast as you can and we'll make it out alive_

The first time Nolan lost Irisa in a marketplace, he thought his heart was going to leap through his chest. His panic had proved to him that as much as he would go on about finding her a real Irathient family, he would never find it in him to give the little girl up. She had only been with him three months, if that, and she'd stolen a place for herself inside him that he wasn't even aware still existed.

They had stopped in a busy, largely human town in what used to be Indiana for supplies. His wallet was fat with scrip from trading in his finds from a recent Arkfall, and they needed food and ammunition. Irisa, having grown so much in the few weeks she had been with him from regular meals, also needed clothes that fit her. The red blouse that had hung off her bony frame when he had rescued her was now far too tattered and dirty for him to keep her in it and still feel like a capable guardian.

It was, at least Nolan believed so, Irisa's first time around so many people, so he grasped her little hand in his as they browsed stalls, her green eyes wide with interest and the slightest bit of fear. She didn't seem to notice the glares some of the people were giving the pair, so Nolan pretended that he didn't, either.

A brightly-colored fruit stand caught his eye, and he wanted to see if there was anything worth buying. What he wouldn't do for an Old Earth mango! He spoke to the seller, a large, older woman with kind eyes, still one-handed because of his hold on the little Irath. The woman even smiled at the girl, who looked at the ground, then back at her and returned the gesture shyly.

As he continued to look around, he felt Irisa pull away, and followed her gaze toward a stand that sold small, unrecognizable animals in glass tanks across the street. He grinned at her growing curiosity and leaned closer to her. "You can go look if you like, but stay close," he said. She nodded, her attention still fixated on the stall. Nolan watched her cross the street, then turned back to his shopping. Every so often—more often than was probably necessary, if he was being honest-he'd glance up, just to reassure himself that the flash of orange hair hadn't strayed too far.

It was just a split second. He had checked on her, then looked away and back again and she was gone.

"Irisa?" He called out, tentatively at first, and with growing fear with each passing moment. He had just lost the child he had taken responsibility for in an unfriendly town. "Irisa!"

He began to tear down the street, pushing people out of his way, eyes searching everywhere, and ears open for her voice alone. A million scenarios raced through his head. What if some man had grabbed her? What if she was being taunted by a group of children? What if she was scared and alone, feeling abandoned? How could he ever forgive himself if something happened to her?

The bright colors, cacophonous sounds, and strange smells that permeated the very air of the marketplace clouded his senses and made his tracking even more frustrating. How far could she have possibly gone?! He was about ready to start clearing the whole area of people when he caught a flash of orange in the corner of his eye. "Irisa!"

At the sound of her name, the little girl turned, looking for the source of the voice. The expression on her face was one of confusion and terror, and Nolan remembered the one time he had gotten separated from his mother and wandered, lost, in the mall when he was six. Pushing unceremoniously through the crowd, he dropped to his knees in front of her, seeing the relief flow into her eyes.

"Come here," he said, holding out his arms to her. She stepped forward hesitantly, and he wrapped her up in a hug. She didn't return the gesture, but it was enough for him just to hold her and be sure that she was unhurt.

"I told you to stay close, kiddo," he chided softly, not really feeling any anger or frustration toward her.

"I got lost," Irisa offered as an explanation. Then, even more quietly that he barely heard it over the din, "I'm sorry."

She was still small enough to be easily carried, so he picked her up, unwilling to let her out of his sight even for a moment. "It's nothing to be sorry about. I was just so scared when I couldn't find you."

She leaned her head into the crook of his neck, one of the growing number of affectionate gestures she was beginning to exhibit. Briefly, before he caught himself and banished the thought from his mind, he wondered how her Irathient father had brought himself to torture his daughter; this sweet, guarded little thing that was just starting to trust him. Nolan wasn't a parent, but he couldn't imagine anyone willingly hurting their own child for the sake of some cult beliefs.

Giving her up to an Irath family was going to be hard. But how could he care properly for a little girl? He could barely take care of himself, what with all the running all over the Badlands, picking tech off Arkfalls.

But right now, none of that mattered. He had taken responsibility for her when Eddie had stolen that roller to give them an opportunity to escape the Earth Republic. Right now, she was his kid. And he kind of liked the sound of that.


	2. Denver

The little girl wouldn't take her eyes off of him. She stared in wonder, amazed that someone had rescued her from what looked like a cult. She was so thin he could see the clear definition of her ribcage on her chest. Her wrists were swollen and bloody from the thick twine that had bound them, and an old yellow-brown bruise was just beginning to fade from her face. Nolan carried her away from the carnage, letting his fellow soldiers deal with the aftermath. He felt a twinge of guilt for that, but he doubted that he could just hand her off to someone else now.

The cool night air was a welcome relief from the muggy, rancid-smelling hut. She was shaking in his arms, but not crying. Nolan didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. He continued walking; wanting to get as far away from the angry yelling that was still going on between his friends and the cult. Once the sounds were faint and the glow from candles in the hut barely noticeable, he sat down on a large boulder, very delicately, not wanting to cause the girl any unnecessary pain. The rest of his unit would laugh at him if they had seen this. "No-man" taking so much care not to disturb a child, an Irathient one at that? Sure, he was one of the "Defiant Few", but that didn't mean that he _liked _Votan kids—just that rescuing them was the right thing to do in that situation.

The girl's breathing was quick and shallow, like she couldn't get enough air into her lungs. Her eyes were still wide and focused on him, but he didn't really think that she was _seeing_ him. He shifted her so that she was sitting up, and moved her hands from around him to in front of him while he reached for a first aid kit out of his pack. The blood from her wrists had mostly dried, but the wounds were deep, indicative of being regularly bound tightly.

"What did they do to you, sweetie?" he breathed as he wiped away the blood and dirt with alcohol and a napkin.

She didn't answer, but she made a whining noise in the back of her throat, reminding Nolan of an injured animal. She tried to pull away, but he gripped her tighter.

"Shh. It's okay. You're safe," he assured her. She stopped struggling when he spoke, so he continued to talk to her.

"You understand English?" he asked. She nodded slowly, but still did not speak.

"What's your name, kid?" He asked, not really expecting an answer, but after a few moments of silence, she said quietly, "Irisa."

Nolan smiled, feeling like he was getting somewhere. "Irisa. That's pretty," he finished cleaning her wrists and brushed some the bright orange hair away from her face. She looked at him with those big green eyes, and he was transported back to a time, many years ago, when he had held his baby cousin.

"Now, I need you to tell me something, so that I can get you back safely. Do you know where your parents are?"

The girl's shaking became even more violent. "You won't take me back there, will you?" she asked, her voice cracking with fear. Nolan was confused, briefly—back where?—until it dawned on him. Her parents were implicit in her torture. She hadn't been kidnapped, her parents had willingly allowed a cult to cause serious harm their young daughter. For all he knew, her parents had been killed when the soldiers had burst in, guns blazing.

"No," he said. "No, you can stay with me." He immediately regretted the words. He knew nothing about caring for Votan children, and he didn't want to make promises that he couldn't keep. "For now," he added on.

She seemed to calm at that. They stayed like that for a while, quiet, until Nolan heard the familiar voices of his unit. He moved her off of his knee, but kept her hand in his and they walked towards the other men. She shuffled slightly, staring at the ground when they approached.

"Everyone, this is Irisa," he told them. He felt her shrink back, trying to make herself smaller. Cooper knelt down in front of her. "Hi, cutie," he said gently. "Has Nolan been taking care of you?"

Her only response was to hide her face behind Nolan's arm. Cooper grinned. "Looks like she's attached herself to you," he said to his friend. "Think you can handle it?"

"Until we find a more permanent place for her," Nolan replied, looking down at her fondly. The other soldiers didn't miss the newfound affection in him, but they didn't say anything about it.

"There's an E-Rep refugee camp not too far away. We can take her there tomorrow," one of the Geist brothers said. Nolan's heart sunk briefly, until he shook his head. I can keep her, he thought to himself. She's better off with someone more capable.

"Let's get her back to camp, get some food in her," Eddie suggested. "She looks like she hasn't eaten in weeks."

The little girl perked up at the mention of food, and the men chuckled. She walked beside Nolan to the camp, quickening her stride in order to keep up with him. As the others got a fire going, Irisa sat in Nolan's lap, looking around with fascination. Eddie sauntered over and looked the girl in the eye. "You're distracting Nolan from helping the rest of us," he teased and pointed a finger in face. "You, little miss—"

He was cut off in surprise when the girl snapped at the offending finger. The camp roared with laughter, but Irisa retreated back to Nolan. He pulled her close. "You should know better than to stick your finger in an Irath's face," he scolded.

Eddie still looked a bit put out, cradling his hand against his chest.

"Oh come on," Cooper chided as he offered a plate of pow to the kid. "She didn't even break the skin."

Eddie stalked over to the fire to grab his own plate. "Friggin' Iraths," he mumbled to himself.

Nolan rolled his eyes, but glanced at Irisa to see if she'd heard the insult. She seemed too distracted by her food to notice, though. He hoped that whoever they chose to give her to would be able to feed her regularly.

Ruffling her hair, he said quietly, "You're safe now."


	3. Refugee Camp

In the early morning after the unit had rescued Irisa, they set out for the E-Rep refugee camp ten miles away. It was a cold, cloudy morning, the sun barely shining through. After breakfast, Eddie, Cooper, Nolan, and the girl piled into a small military roller, Coop driving. Eddie had long since forgiven Irisa for biting his finger, and was trying to get her to talk to him from his seat in the front. She and Nolan were squeezed in the back, in what was more meant to be extra storage space than a seat.

Irisa rubbed her sleepy eyes with her hand, signifying that it was far too early for her to be awake. Nolan suspected it had something to do with being the first night she'd been able to sleep peacefully in a long while.

"Have you ever been to an Earth Republic camp before, Irisa?" Eddie asked her.

The alien girl looked slightly confused and shook her head. "Is that where we're going?" she asked, glancing anxiously at Nolan.

"Yep," Eddie replied cheerfully. "We're going to find some good people to take care of you."

Irisa fell silent. She began to pick at the white bandages on her wrists. Eddie kept talking, but Nolan sensed the change in her demeanor. He threw a comforting arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. She, in turn, leaned into him, still playing with the bandages.

"Hey," he chided softly, pulling her hand away from her wrist. "You have to keep those clean, or they won't heal."

She stayed quiet for the rest of the short trip. When the group arrived at the E-Rep camp, they were greeted by several EMC soldiers. The men were large, and carried huge guns strapped to their backs. Behind them, Nolan could see the military post crawling with more soldiers, and in the distance, tall fencing. He guessed that was the camp, for he could see movement and campfires and makeshift tents. The men were certainly an intimidating sight to a young, traumatized girl, and that was why Nolan was not surprised when Irisa backed away, wary of them. Their gazes fell on her, picking out her small frame even while she hid behind Cooper and Eddie.

"Refugee?" One of the soldiers, the one of the highest rank out of these few, a lieutenant, asked in a gruff voice. Cooper nodded. "We found her in Denver yesterday. Poor thing's been through quite the ordeal."

"We'll take her from here," the man replied, motioning for Irisa to follow him. The girl looked up at Nolan for an explanation, then back to the man with wide eyes. She didn't move.

"Now, girl!" The soldier said loudly. Irisa jumped back.

"Lieutenant," Cooper said, holding up his hands. "Like I said, this girl has been through some pretty terrifying events. She's attached herself to Nolan here. Surely, you understand if we want to take her to camp ourselves?"

The man grunted. "If you want," he shrugged. "Just don't stay too long."

Cooper nodded. "Thank you." The group kept moving, past the military post and over a slight hill to the fence. There, they ran into more soldiers, who demanded that they stopped there.

"No further," one stated authoritatively.

Nolan looked past him into the camp while Cooper explained the situation to the man. What he saw turned his stomach. Gaunt, downtrodden Votan faces averted their gazes. There was little food to be seen, what was on the campfires seemed to be meager pickings. The beings moved slowly, without real purpose. There were children, but they didn't play. They sat quietly with their parents, tracing figures in the dust. The tents were shabby, built with ratty old blankets and sticks. Nolan caught the eye of an older Casti woman, who shook her head sadly when she saw Irisa. And then Nolan noticed the tarp, at the same time Eddie did. They shared a look—they knew what was beneath the plastic. Bodies.

These weren't refugees, Nolan realized. They were prisoners, for however long the E-Rep decided they were dangerous to the cause. And Irisa was too small and too weak to compete with older, bigger, more experienced Votans for necessities. She wouldn't survive a week in this place.

"She'll die here," Eddie whispered, saying out loud what Nolan was thinking. Irisa was taking in the frightening living conditions as well. She began picking at the bandages again, absentmindedly, staring into the camp. Nolan clasped her hand.

"Nevermind," He said firmly, cutting off Cooper and the soldier's conversation. "We're not leaving her here."

Cooper looked at him sharply in warning. It was only then that Nolan realized that Cooper recognized the dire situation, and was trying to talk their way out of leaving the little girl. The EMC soldier's eyes narrowed at the group. "All Votan refugees in the area must be surrendered to the Earth Republic," he stated sternly.

"Of course," Cooper said quickly, trying to diffuse the situation. "We'll be leaving shortly." He turned and motioned for the rest to follow. Nolan still had Irisa in tow, and he could feel the soldier's eyes burning a hole into his back.

"We have to leave and come back for her," Cooper told them once they were out of earshot.

"We can't," Eddie protested.

"Do you have another idea?" Cooper snapped, exasperated. "If we try to up and leave now, they'll come straight after us."

Eddie glanced around him, taking in the whole camp with new eyes. "What we need is a diversion," he said. Grinning at Nolan and ruffling Irisa's hair, he jumped away from the group and sprinted toward a stalled roller. Starting the military vehicle up again, he yelled and screamed and made a scene as he drove through the camp, hauling the expensive weapons in the cage in the back along with him.

The soldiers reacted as he expected. They called out to each other, jumping in other rollers and began to chase after him. Nolan took the hint and snatched Irisa in his arms and fled as fast as he could. The edge of the camp was in sight, where the clearing transformed into a deep jungle of unearthly trees. Irisa clung to him desperately, watching the commotion back at camp from behind his shoulder.

Nolan didn't stop once they were in the jungle. He kept going, surefooted, leaping over fallen logs and loose stone until his legs finally refused to move any longer. It was then that he dropped to the forest floor, setting the alien girl down gently, and the gravity of the situation sank in. There was no way Eddie could have gotten away. He wasn't even sure if Cooper had. He had nothing on him but a few scrip bills and a small gun. In just a few brief seconds, his life had changed as he knew it.

But there was this little girl looking at him with open wonder. She hadn't said a word since they got to the camp, but she moved a little closer to him and took his hand in her tiny, orange one. In that moment, he knew what his new mission in life was. He had to protect her.


	4. The Gorge

Her nightmares were getting worse.

When Nolan rented rooms in the dilapidated towns they stopped in, he would always get separate ones. Not only so he could have his fun with the local women, but because it was, well, creepy for an adult human man to book a room with a young alien girl and he had had about enough with the disapproving looks.

And this system would have worked out fine if not for the raucous Irisa caused when she had a nightmare. She would cry out in her sleep, disturbing several guests at whatever inn they were staying at, claw at her head, and thrash about. More than once, Nolan was awakened from his room by the innkeeper and told to "shut her up or leave."

And so he spent countless hours in her room, kneeling by her bed and holding her hand. He was there when she couldn't possibly go back to sleep, even though his own body was telling him to give into exhaustion. He could see her unspoken apology. And on nights like those his heart ached.

After one particularly bad night, the pair had been forced to leave the inn in the very early morning. The surrounding town was dead silent, and a few rays of summer sunlight managed to pierce the thick mist. They walked together, his eyes focused ahead, trying to remember where he had parked the rolled. She had her arms crossed over her chest, her gaze on the ground. Irisa was quiet, even for her. The night before, a man in the tavern had called undue attention to the scars on her wrists, something the girl had grown sensitive to.

"You should really keep those covered," the man sitting next to her at the bar table had said when her sleeve rode up as she picked at her food. Nolan jerked his head up to glare at him, but the guy didn't take the hint. Irisa pulled her hands back and hid them in her lap, but the man didn't stop.

"It's impolite to show scars like that. You shouldn't be proud of them. No one needs to see that."

Nolan could see the anger and shame building in the girl, her hands forming into fists. He stood from his stool and walked directly to the man, his presence intimidating. "Not one more word to her," he breathed, placing a firm hand on the place where his shoulder met his neck. "Or we're going to have an issue."

The man had gotten up and left not twenty seconds later, but the damage had been done. That night she had picked her wrists raw in her sleep and stained the clean white sheets red, and screamed so loud other guests complained. The owner of the piece of shtako inn was furious and kicked them out in an instant.

As they neared the roller, which had been packed the previous day, Nolan grew more worried. She still hadn't said a word, and hadn't even let him look at her wrists. He didn't want to cross the badlands with her heart so low. She could be downright depressing.

He veered left, into a forest trail. She looked up questioningly, but followed him anyway. He marveled at the incredible amount of trust she placed in him, a year after her rescue. They walked along the trail; watching the sun rise quickly and the feeling the air get much warmer.

The trail opened up to a gorge, a large creek rushing by in front of them. Irisa stared into the water, and Nolan grinned. He stripped off his shoes and socks, hiked up his trousers to the knee, and stepped into the cold, clear water. The Irathient girl watched him, her hands still tucked away. He held out his own to her, big stupid grin still glued to his face.

Hesitantly, she removed her own boots and grasped his outstretched hand before stepping into the water. He ignored the raw skin on her wrists for the moment; he'd take care of that later.

The rocks beneath them were coated in algae, which made them extremely slippery. Even Nolan was having trouble staying upright. He began to talk to her, telling her a story about his world, the world before, when he and his brothers had made a rope swing that dropped them off a small cliff into a lake. He caught the flicker of a smile on her face. They made their way down the gorge, taking the routes where the water never rose above her calves.

When he finished his story, they fell back into silence. This silence, however, indicated a much lighter mood, like a weight had been lifted.

Irisa took a confident step on the rocks and her feet gave out under her. Nolan gripped her hand firmly and placed the other at her back to steady her. "Easy now," he said.

Irisa sighed heavily. "I'm sorry I got us kicked out," she blurted out.

Nolan looked down at her. "It's not your fault."

"Yes, it is," she said angrily. "I'm just more trouble for you. You could have left me with the cult. You could have left me at the refugee camp. You could have dropped me off somewhere in the badlands. And you never did. Why?"

It was shocking, to hear a child her age speak so articulately, and at first, he didn't know what to say. He led her back to the shore and sat in the dirt, motioning her to sit beside him. He looked directly into her eyes—he wanted to make damn sure she heard his next words.

"You are the only family I have known in a decade. Irisa, I will never, ever abandon you. I've come to think of you as a daughter. I don't know if I have any right to, and I don't know how you feel about that, given your… history. But you are welcome with me for as long as you need. You're my little girl."

She leaned into him and he placed his arm around her. He could feel her shoulders shake as she cried.

The next time he signed them into an inn, he put her name down as Irisa Nolan.


End file.
